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Vodka, Sunscreen and Goat Stew ( Day 9 )

Two deckchairs facing the sea, beside a sign for a first aid station. Illustration for " Vodka, Sunscreen and Goat Stew: An Irishman's Guide to Travelling Abroad.
Did you bring the paracetemol?

 

The Challenge for Day 9

Interesting email from Jeff Goins today, where he asks us to ” Teach something.” Well, after my years of teaching primary school children, I’ve learned that sometimes it can be fun to go a bit left of field. So, with that in mind, here’s my advice on getting the best out of a foreign holiday trip… It’s satire, But I’m Irish so I hope I can get away with it ūüôā

 

Vodka, Sunscreen, and Goat Stew

 

”¬†An Irishman’s Guide to Travelling Abroad”

 

 

Don’t waste time on Research

Who wants to waste hours trawling through the internet? Or even worse, stuck inside a travel agent’s, trying to choose between Turkey, Spain or the Canaries.¬† And having your head melted listening to all those fussy eegits ” Oh, but I wanted a pool view, and it HAS to have a proper balcony”. All that matters is the craic, the beer, and the women. And coming back red as a rooster.,so everyone will know you were away. Sure, otherwise, what’s the point?

So just head in, money in hand and go for it.¬† Remember, you don’t need¬†insurance,¬† that’s only a gimmick. Sure when were you ever a day sick? Just one tip, make sure to go for the all in option, it means you don’t have to worry about grub. Even if it’s goat stew every night, just get the pints into you, you’ll be grand.

Book the Cheapest Option

Well, duh, this is a no brainer. Sure weren’t we all raised on Dealz and Penneys? ¬†So what if it’s a five-hour flight over the mountains, sure a bit of turbulence would get you in the mood for a drink. Just stick to the mini vodkas, those rollercoaster loos can scare the bayjaysus out of you if¬†you’re not used to them.

And if you’re arriving at night, just imagine all the surprises that are waiting for you in the morning. Who cares if the pool is closed for renovation? Sure an hour on the bus every day to the seaside, wouldn’t you get to see all the scenery? Or even sleep off the booze? It’s a win-win, whatever happens. So just go for it, book the cheapest option,¬† no messing around.

Leave Packing as late as Possible

You’re only going for a week, no need to be fussy. Throw in the socks and the boxers, the new ones from Penneys,¬†you never know your luck. Swimming togs and sandals, you’re getting there. A couple of t-shirts. The Ireland ones are great. They might get sticky in the heat, but at least no one will confuse you with the Brits.

And who needs more than one pair of shorts? Sure, you can wear them day into night. Isn’t that the latest craze? Not that I’d know really, it’s just something the sister was saying.

The money and the mobile, they’re essential. Don’t worry too much about that liquids malarky, just fire everything into a plastic bag. Sure, they’ll sort it all out for you at the airport anyway.

Broadcast your absence

Make sure to let everyone know you’ll be gone, especially Facebook. Sure who’s going to rob your place, won’t the next door neighbours¬†keep a good eye on it for you? And aren’t the guards always driving by? So it’s not a bother, go for it. And take¬†selfies, lots of them. Your mad grin, the rows of pints, your arm around that hot chick in the bar.¬† So what if she shrugs you off aterwards, sure who’s to know?

And make sure to get some snaps of yourself stretched out under a sun canopy, that drives them mad at home. You know well the nearest they have to sun canopies is fighting off the rain with their brollies. Be sure to post snaps every day, that way they’ll know you’re still away, having the craic.

Ignore Local Culture

As soon as you’re there, hook up with any Irish you can find,¬† they’ll show you the way to the best bar. You’ll know it by all the shamrocks and the¬† Gaelic matches showing on the screen. I know the Guinness will be rubbish, you can’t get anyone outside Ireland to pull a decent pint. The local beer is alright, but it flies through you so fast, you’ll be sprint running to the loo every ten minutes. The vodka is your best bet, they serve it in pint glasses, the only bit of culture you’ll need.

Avoid chatting up the locals, they mightn’t appreciate your charms, stick to the Irish girls.¬†Sure they hardly look Irish now anyway, what with the sea drenched locks, tans and sarongs.

Want to broaden your horizons? You might sneak over to a Brit pub, to catch up on the Premiership. And what’s the harm in that?¬† Sure they like their beer too. Just one thing,¬† be sure to talk about Brexit.¬†it’s a great conversation starter and they’ll love you for it.

Don’t waste the Sun

I know the temptation is to lie in bed all day, every day, what with all the booze. But you have to make an effort, especially the last day. Sure you can’t be coming back looking like a ghost, no one will believe you’ve been away. They’ll think the mad selfies were all photoshopped. You don’t want that, do you?

So here’s my advice for that last day. Beat the early risers to the deckchairs,¬†this might mean getting up at 6 am, but it will be worth it, trust me. You might hear foreign accents tutting at you later on, but just ignore them, even if they sound like your German teacher in school. Forget about sunscreen, you are on a mission here. You are doing this for Ireland. Just wondering, did you pack the paracetamol?

 

 

Vodka, Sunscreen, and Goat Stew (an Irishman’s Guide to Travelling Abroad) is my response to Jeff Goin’s prompt, Day 9 My 500Words 31 Day Challenge.

Part of my Ireland series, as a result of my Three Questions post.

 

Photo by Camille / Kmile on Unsplash

 

 

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